You exist here.

In the pilot episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Commander Sisko meets non-corporeal aliens who exist outside of linear time. They interact with him by assuming the images of people in his life, like his friends and family, and placing him in surroundings from his past. As Sisko and the aliens continue to communicate, he is persistently placed back on the ship where his wife was killed in a battle. He asks the aliens, “Why do you keep bringing me here?” indicating that this is not a moment he wants to relive. The aliens tell Sisko, “You bring us here. You exist here.”

Sisko begins to realize that he has not been able to move on with his life, emotionally or professionally, since loosing his wife several years prior. He begins to cry, with this revelation dawning on him, he mutters over and over, “I exist here.”

Since Tyler died much of my life feels like I am grasping for something that is being perpetually pulled further away. I am frantic, scrambling, attempting to grab ahold of life when he was alive, while it is tugged insistently away from me. Living with loss is a bizarre juxtaposition of realities. I have gone to work, been to parties, and traveled to new places. I did many of these things while smiling, laughing, and enjoying the time that I spent. But in my private moments I often feel like I exist on a planet with extreme gravity, so that movement is arduous and exhausting. Everything feels heavy.

There are many times when I dreamt that I could meet those aliens, and they could place Tyler in front of me again, even if it wasn’t really him but some alien rendering. I could see him smiling, hear his voice, and say a few words, even if all I had the chance to do was say goodbye, I miss you.

 

 

 

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3 comments

  1. It is mostly loss that teaches us about the value of things. Maybe it’s how it’s supposed to be. I lost people too, and I carry them around with me. It is strange, that I say that I carry them with me, yet it feels as if I am the one who is missing some part of who I used to be.

    • That’s exactly it – I do carry my lost friends with me, but I feel like I am missing a chunk of myself. It’s the weirdest feeling. Even when I tell myself “I will experience life for both of us now,” in moments of intense grief it’s difficult to feel comforted at all. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

      • Kristin, I know that somehow Tyler is with you as you live your life and continue to venture on with new experiences. You help me as you are the one person who knew him the best his last months and I know the connection you two had was meant to happen . I like to see his name whenever it appears in one of your blogs. Christmas is so very difficult as I try not to suppress memories but to bring them to the surface and hold them close. I know he wanted to live and fulfill his dreams. I know with you he lives on and will never be forgotten. Love you, Judy

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